“I never, by the way, drop a glass of milk.”
It sounds funny, but for many it may be a lifelong survival strategy. The pursuit of perfection, constant performance, and merciless inner dialogue may stem from childhood little moments – like when we spilled a glass of milk on the table and what followed in our family.
Childhood builds our story – also in working life
Our podcast guest Jouni Veijalainen described how childhood experiences – for example how we were treated in moments of failure – can shape the entire adult stress‐regulation system. If a small child was loaded with feelings of shame for mistakes, they easily learn:
“I mustn’t fail, in order to be acceptable.”
This internal script may appear as over‐conscientious perfectionism in adulthood, continual performance, and difficulty to humanly accept mistakes. In working life this may mean a person does more than they have capacity for, hides their fatigue and keeps up appearances – until the last moment.
Shame or compassion?
Shame is a powerful social feeling, and as Jouni reminded us, shame destroys – compassion builds. If a child experiences that after a mistake they are bad, shame attaches to the self. But if after a mistake one receives the message: “This happens, it’s okay,” a completely different internal dialogue develops.
The good news is that these patterns are not lifelong. As an adult we can pause and ask:
- How was I treated as a child when I made a mistake?
- How do I talk to myself now when I make a mistake?
- From whom could I learn a gentler way of relating to myself?
Psychosocial stress does not only arise from hurry
Often the cause of stress is thought to be workload or a too tight schedule. But as the podcast also noted, psychosocial stress often arises from what it is like to be in relationships, what messages we receive or imagine we receive, and how harsh we are with ourselves. It can be the small gasp in a meeting we interpret as belittling. Or an empty glance we read as rejection. In reality most of these situations are innocent – but our internal interpreter, the “alarm system” wired in childhood, may see them as threats.
What if you were enough already now?
If you feel nothing external is enough – a new title, good feedback, success – maybe it’s time to pause and ask:
Whose approval am I still seeking?
What if I were enough already now?
We can learn to recognise the roots of stress, accept our own history and build a different kind of gentleness. And as Jouni said in the podcast:
“The moment you wake up is also the moment healing begins.”
Go listen to the Tame Stress podcast episode on psychosocial stress and tell what thoughts it stirred in you!